Issue No. 4
Monday, March 20, 2023
The truth NASA didn’t want the public knowing.
On March 1st, 1982, the Russian spacecraft Venera 13 successfully lands on Venus and takes the first colored images of the planet's surface. To this day, there have been no other colored images from the ground of this hot planet. Why do you think that is? That’s right. It’s because they wanted to hide the truth. The truth being: It rains piss on Venus.
The public is unsure how to receive this information, but there’s a group of people who had known about this all along. They call themselves The Piss Knowers. It all started when the blog, I Know About the Piss, began to get traction. The creator of the blog revealed he had been studying everything there is to know about Venus.
As he did research on the Venusian atmosphere, he noticed it had traces of the same chemicals found in piss. With this discovery, he dug more into the trip of Venera 13, where he found the images the spacecraft took. As soon as he saw the color of the planet's sky, he knew it rained piss on Venus. He wanted everyone to know the truth, so he created the blog.
Most who saw the claim just brushed it off as a joke, but the batch of believers grew and grew. The Piss Knowers group formed, and they demanded the truth be told. Every space agency in the world shut all the claims down. They even shut down the blog that introduced the idea in an attempt to keep everything covered up. But the group persisted, and finally, they got the truth.
It has been revealed that the Russians kept the piss rain discovery to themselves as long as they could, but eventually, the word spread. When the news came along to NASA, they decided it was best that this information didn’t go public. It wasn’t until recently, after being pressured by the growing Piss Knowers, that NASA came forth and admitted it was all true.
The Piss Knowers rejoiced. No longer would they be called crazy and ridiculed. The world finally knew what they have always known. They’re now seen as heroes. This could change everything we have ever known about the universe, and we wouldn’t have a clue about it if it weren’t for the courageous group.
How poetic is it that on the planet, named after the goddess of love and beauty, it rains piss? It really gives you something to think about.
Waiting to Be Abducted by My Long Lost Love
In celebration of alien abduction day, we have a story of a woman waiting for her extraterrestrial lover to return to her. She would like to remain anonymous.
It was a late, chilled October night when Anonymous awoke to a bright, beaming light coming through her window. The light lasted for three seconds, then everything went back to black. Anonymous, confused, and a bit shaken, sat in silence, contemplating how she should react.
Before she could even have a reaction, a loud bang was heard from downstairs. Anonymous jumped at the sound. Anxiety filled her body. She didn't want to, but she knew she had to find out what made the noise, so she headed down. When she reached the bottom of the stairs, she saw in her kitchen a gangly silhouette facing away from her.
She couldn't explain why, but this being's presence was calming, and she felt compelled to speak to the intruder, so she let out a small, "Who are you?" Within the same instant, the silhouette turned its back and faced her. She looked up at the face of the being and saw they had on a shy smile. They lifted their lanky arm to scratch the back of their neck in an anxious manner and responded with a nervous, "Sorry for waking you up."
And that's how they met. The being told Anonymous that they had been watching her for some time now, but they couldn't gather the courage to speak to her. That they finally wanted to introduce themselves but weren't sure how. Which resulted in the fumble in the kitchen. They revealed they were from a place Anonymous couldn't even pronounce, and were afraid she would reject them.
But Anonymous didn't reject them. She accepted them. The couple went on to have many romantic nights together. Roaming around in the being's spacecraft and abducting local livestock. It was the best time Anonymous had ever had. Then one night, there was no beam to be seen. The being was gone and has been gone since. It devastated Anonymous, who, to this day, is still waiting for her gangly lover to come back and abduct her.
It’s Finally Spring!
Winter Can Piss Off
I hate winter. I love spring. Here is a list of reasons why spring is the best season. This is incredibly basis, but if you have a different opinion, it is just simply wrong.
The Trees Are Back
Ah yeah, the trees are becoming green again. In fact, everything is becoming green again. Finally, things appear to have life after a soulless, dark winter.
Look at All the Color
Flowers here, flowers there. So much color everywhere. How can the bright beautiful petals of a flower not bring you happiness?
Here Come the Critters
The animals are finally back! The birds are chirping and the wildlife has come out to greet the warmer days. Watching nature run its course is so fascinating.
The Weather
No longer do you have to bundle up just to feel comfortable. You now have warmer weather and more daylight. You can open up your windows and let in the fresh air. How much better can it get?
DISCLAIMER
I Do Not Have Allergies
McDonald’s Is More Important Than Your Life
You really need to get some McDonald's right now. I don’t know how you’re even still reading this after hearing McDonald's. How are you not in your red 2020 Ford expedition driving to the nearest McDonald's this very second?
Drop everything you’re doing right now and get there. Go on, get in the car. On the way there you can think about what you want to order. You don’t have time to think before. You need to get there as soon as possible.
Okay, you’re on your way. Now, what do you want to get? A Big Mac? A Double Quarter Pounder with cheese? Maybe some Chicken McNuggets? Why not all of it? Oh, and don’t forget the fries. You’ll also need a large soda to wash it all down.
Yes, you’re almost there. Just one more stop light to go through. Oh, but you’re turning right, you can just keep going even though the light is red. What is this? A person legally using the crosswalk just when you need to turn? RUN THEM OVER!
Now that they're out of the way, go! You're so close to happiness. So close to tasting those delicious, familiar flavors. Floor it!
You can’t resist the golden arches.
Real Talk for a Moment
Do people see the mirror you or the camera you? I really hope it’s the mirror me. I desperately need to know the answer, but I also don't want to know. Please don’t tell me. Well, I guess if the answer is mirror me then you can, but if not, I don't want to know. But then your silence would indicate that the answer is the camera me. I’d know either way. Gosh, darn it.
Hope your ass is ready for some probing for it is
Alien Abduction Day
March 20th
this is supposed to be a UFO but I don’t know if you can tell if it is so now I’m telling you that this is in fact, a UFO
Introverts Week
March 20th-26th
This is the week to give an introvert in your life all the alone time they want.
Please.