Issue No. 25
Monday, September 2, 2024
This is what you do.
So say you’re dining at a restaurant. It’s a regular evening. The weather outside is mild, other than some wind gusts and an overcast. You’re with your family eating your meal when all the sudden the power goes out. You look outside to see nothing but normal weather, so you can relax knowing that you’re safe from that.
You begin to look around for your server, as many others are doing, in hopes you can get some answers. Finally, you spot them and they assure you and everyone else that everything was fine, and it was probably just the wind that knocked the power out. Everyone seems to take this news well and continues their meal, as the food has been served, so why not finish it?
But that isn’t what you do. No, you need to know exactly what is happening. You flag down your server and ask them. They give the same answer they just had, letting you know that they’re not sure what caused the power outage, but everything is fine. How are they to know after all, they’re just restaurant staff, not an electrician, but still you don’t feel satisfied with this answer.
Everyone else in the restaurant is still happily chatting away, paying for their meals in cash because the computer systems are down—wait! if the computer systems are down because the power is out? How are you going to pay for your meal? All you have is a card. Perhaps the server could write down your card information and bill you later, but you need to pay for your meal now! You want to get out of this restaurant! It’s not the same now that there's no electricity! The food simply doesn’t taste the same with a light bulb shining over it!
Again, you wait for your server, but it seems they’re taking too long. You need to see them now! You get up from your table and march about the entire restaurant, looking for them. You pass but the front of the building where new customers are coming in, only to be turned away. You see all the current customers finishing their meals and enjoying their time there. You wonder just how they were able to pay for their food and leave without any problems.
This angers you even more. You don’t understand how these people are paying for the food with the power off, and where is that server? You stop up to the host podium and demand to know where they are. The hosts tell you they’re most likely back in the kitchen and offer to go get them. You stand there pacing about, cursing out terrible words as you wait. Glaring and gnarling your teeth at anyone who dares look your way.
Finally, the host is back with your server, whom you greet with a loud shout. You cuss and yell at them for not catering to your every demand and not being there when you needed to ask them questions. You are their number one priority, after all. They need to bow to you, regardless that they have 3 other tables to deal with.
You ask them how on earth you’re going to pay for your meal, and they try to calmly explain it to you, but you simply won’t have it. Your anger is outweighing your reason and logic. You blame them for the power going out. You blame them for not being able to pay on the digital system installed by the company. It’s all your servers' fault, and you let them know it.
The next thing you know, the power is back on and you’re able to pay for your meal normally. This minor inconvenience was not so minor to you. You leave the restaurant cursing and shouting terrible things about your server and the staff. Declaring that you will never again dine in this establishment, which I’m sure the staff is perfectly fine with.
How to Be Productive
We hear at blugg want you to be as productive as possible. More productivity means more profit. So we have made a list of ways you can reach your full productive potential.
Cross items off a to-do list. This sounds simple enough, but is it enough to ensure you get everything done? That’s why we suggest you get someone to make sure you mark things off your to-do list. What we mean is you need to have someone that will smack the ever-loving shit out of you whenever you don’t cross something off the list.
Give yourself a deadline. We mean literally give yourself a deadline. Set up a time you need to get everything done and hire a hitman. Give the hitman the date and time you need to have everything done, and if you don’t finish, you will be "hit." This will ensure you get done because if you don’t, you will be killed.
Don’t allow yourself any pleasure. The final way to be productive is to just simply be productive. Grind and grind your day away every day to ensure you get everything done. That means doing nothing you enjoy. You don’t have time to watch your favorite TV show or even enjoy a meal. You need to be working nonstop 24/7.
We hope that by following our list, you can finally fight your procrastination and become the most efficient version of yourself.
Your Coworkers
They’re not real people.
Your coworkers are not real people. They’re simply NPCs in your life. You are the main character. Anything they do or say doesn’t matter. You need to live your life knowing that the only thing that matters is you. When your coworkers talk about their lives outside of work, you don’t have to listen because they’re not real people. They’re just there to make the company money.
You don’t need to open up or bond with them because it would be silly to. They’re just machines programmed to get as much work done as possible. You don’t need to have compassion for them or even move out of the way when they need to walk past you. If they really needed to get through there, they would have been programmed to find a different route.
The pictures they have hanging of the family and the stories behind them are all AI-generated. Any time your coworkers speak, you need to remember not to listen. It’s pointless. They are not humans, so you shouldn’t feel anything for them. Keep in mind that your coworkers feel the same way about you. You don’t matter to them; they don’t matter to you. It’s a mutual understanding. You’re not there for connections or community. You’re there for the company.
That’s exactly how humanity needs to be. Soon you won’t have to have a connection with anyone, anywhere. Your social life will be sufficiently filled digitally. The only purpose humans serve is labor. Without it, the world couldn’t go round. You need to remember that. Labor is everything; community is nothing.
PAY ME $142 AND I’LL DEFINITELY NAME A STAR AFTER YOU
Contact: nameyourstar@ionumail.com
Please pay me in full, and I’ll swiftly send you an image of your star during the next nightfall. Leave me your information (star name) in the email so I can print out the official document of your owned star that will be sent with the image.
Skyscraper Day
Oh, the skyscraper. So majestic looking from a distance or when the image is taken from the right angle. Some sky scrapers can be quite boring while others are unique. So yeah, look at some skyscrapers on September 3rd.
Telephone Tuesday
Have you noticed your phone ringing off the hook the day after Labor Day? Why it’s just because it’s Telephone Tuesday! If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you probably don't take calls at a business. For businesses, calls come in more frequently after this holiday weekend. You yourself might even make some calls this Tuesday.
Cheese Pizza Day
Cheese Pizza Day! September 5th is the perfect day to order yourself this simple pizza. With no toppings, you can really savor the flavor of the cheese. They say a pizza shop is only as good as it’s cheese pizza! Try ordering one and see just how good your favorite pizza place is.
I’ve been girl bossing so hard.
Great Egg Toss Day
September 6th
Time to get your mitts ready for some egg action! Get yourself a dozen eggs and set off on an egg-tossing journey. Try to toss and catch your eggs without breaking them for this unique sport, but watch out, eggs are fragile!